OPUS Dei transport secretary Ruth Kelly is to resign from the cabinet to spend more time with that spikey chain thing they strap round the top of their thighs.
Kelly dismissed suggestions she was trying to destabilise the prime minister, insisting Jesus had ordered her to strap it on as often and as tightly as possible.
She said last night: "It's very difficult to concentrate on the restructuring of Network Rail when the love of Jesus is really digging into your thigh.
"There have been times during cabinet when the prime minister asked if I was alright and I just bit my lip and let out a tiny little squeak.
"But once you've experienced the eye-watering ecstasy of Jesus-based thigh gouging you just want it all the time.
"Sociologist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "Being a member of Opus Dei is demanding. You're either thwarting art historians and topping nuns or generally buggering about in the Louvre.
"There's also the spikey chain thing, the self-flagellation and the branding of each other's buttocks with a red hot poker."
He added: "And of course there's the constant, demented opposition to medical research that could lead to cures for cancer, MS and Parkinson's Disease. It's a busy day."
The Daily Mash
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